Self esteem: Is it bought or Is it developed?
Zion
3 min read
I spoke to a lady, let's call her Joanne. She was thinking out loud and said: "Maybe if I earned more money or became popular, I would have high self-esteem, after all, they’re one and the same thing.” Do you agree with Joanne?
*I’ll attempt to share what I think…🤔
The definition of self-esteem is in its name; the esteem of one's self. This means that the individual is the one who esteems themselves yet it seems we all, like Joanne, try to use the wrong agents to do so. The 'self' is the main agent of esteeming, not a job, a partner, or a certain kind of lifestyle...the self. Of course, there is a place for all these agents but if the self is not whole, these are only temporary band-aids to a much deeper issue.
"Low self-esteem is an indication of the state of the agent who does the esteeming and it communicates that someone, situations or experiences have tampered with its proper ability and capacity to esteem itself. Thus self-esteem is improved by fixing one's self not fixing one's esteem."
According to mind.org.uk, "self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves. It's based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves, which can feel difficult to change. We might also think of this as self-confidence". From this definition we see no mention of another person or external factors because self-esteem is very personal. Wealth accumulation, associations with people of status and the portrayal of a certain lifestyle on social media may only fix the “esteem” part of the equation but not the self-esteem. It may alter the way people perceive or treat us but ultimately our self-esteem would always be in question if the self is not made whole and healed from those experiences that have tampered with its proper ability and capacity to esteem itself. That’s the first step that can help begin the process of developing healthy self-esteem.
In subsequent posts, I would address in further detail what goals to set whilst journeying through that process, as my emphasis with this post was to highlight what self-esteem is, so that the right agent is prioritised. The hard part is understanding what self-esteem entails and perhaps accepting that it is something that one may struggle with. Once the restraint to acceptance has been overcome, healing is not far. Forgiveness, counselling, therapy, self-compassion and personal development are also all agents that can be used to help the self heal and become whole.
I’ve had my own journey with self-esteem and all I’ve mentioned above played their role in helping me develop it, but along the way I thought “how can I fix myself when I didn’t create myself?” That is where my relationship with God came in and as that developed, I was able to maximise the benefits of such resources.
I understand that it may be a separate journey for you though and there is a place for every relevant approach, depending on where you may be on that journey. Nevertheless, all I ask is that you remember that you are enough and you have the capacity to esteem yourself if you are willing to be honest with yourself and put in the required work. So in response to Joanne’s contemplations, I’ll say that self-esteem is not a by-product of wealth or fame. Instead, if it has been properly developed it helps an individual maximise those by-products and put them to good use.
Take-home points:
Self-esteem is improved by fixing one's self not fixing one's esteem.
Your better self awaits you. The life that such a version of yourself qualifies you for also awaits you.
Don't deny yourself both.
Resources and helpful links:
Image Credit:
Photos from unsplash by Milada Vigerova and Luis Villasmil